Feeling angry and discontent. feeling like nobody understands that as old friends fall away, I feel less and less like I know who I am. found out that the neighbors that share a garden with us, are also selling out and moving away. combine this with how I don't know how I fit at church anymore, and that I have no real life friends, I know that the past is now invalid. I need a future. I need new friends. I have new neighbors, and that might be a place to start. I wish, wish that I felt comfortable finding a new church also, one with a decent music program. one with a few members. one that didn't feel like it's dying. but then where is home?

I think the problem is that nobody needs me. if I decide to just sit on the couch and do absolutely nothing, nothing happens. nothing at all. nothing bad, nothing good. just nothing. if I do no laundry, well, neither does my husband, but he does not care if he stinks, he just wears the same clothes. son does nothing either. nobody pushes him, nobody pushes me either. nobody needs me, therefore my existence does not matter. I can keep on killing myself with bourbon if I want to. there is nobody to care.