it's really all about sleep. I can't. so I drink. years ago, that was the problem, that was the solution. so now, it's the same. so I quit. I quit for days. and what happens is that first I can't sleep. and then next I sleep very shallowly. and then, there are the nightmares. and after that, if I can get that far, there are dreams that I can't figure out.  and I haven't gotten past that for a few months now. I think I could deal with the rest of it if I knew I could sleep. should I ask for help? the last person I asked had me, oh take 10 trazadone if you want to. is that healthy? and I did sleep. but the deductible on the insurance  meant that I couldn't see her anymore, had no help anymore. it's still about sleep.