things might be different now

I did a thing that I can be proud of. I spent a month playing the piano about 2 hours at a time a couple of times a day to learn the 20 pieces of music needed for the Lenten season and Easter, so I could play one single choir practice, and one Lenten service. This meant that I had to stay sober, and work at it, and I did. I played the practice like a fucking rock star, although it was cut short because the director had no confidence in me. the service had another pianist lined up because someone else had no confidence in me. my son says, be patient, people will gain confidence in you as they see you are reliable, that you show up on Sunday, that you show up on rehearsal day. That you do what is asked of you. Nobody knows about the drinking, they think it's my mental illness that hampers me. That is exactly why I told nobody. NO BODY about it in the past. or about my past addictions. or about the anti-depressants that were supposed to solve everything that didn't. or the therapy that was cut short by the insurance company so had no chance to work. it's why I let nobody in, never have.

So, tonight, I feel good about what I did. I worked at it, and I succeeded. That is a novelty. Now I know if there is a task given to me, I can stand up to it. I can come through. This is new.